I'm engaging in lots of avoidant behavior,
recently. Having trouble writing back to all the folks who very kindly,
sweetly expressed their sympathies about Grandpa, because... I guess
it's just too hard to sit with the thoughts long enough to write
something, so I just keep putting it off. Watching a lot of TV. Eating
a lot of carbs (potatoes and rice, mostly -- I'm not that big a fan of
sweet stuff -- but today we're having a Fry Day, complete with donuts
and apple fritters). Wishing that I had the same sort of cozy online community I used to, in pre-FB days (some mailing lists, some earlier blogs). It seems when I come here, half the time there's a problem with the system so it can't show me the journals I've subscribed to. I'm not sure how to recreate that coziness.
The home improvement project is proceeding slowly but steadily. We have a work day planned on Saturday (Linda and Joe are really awesomely organizing it for my birthday), so we're working on prep for that today (and, really, all this week). The first step has been getting things back to civilized in general, in the house. I hear that it's pretty normal for housekeeping to fall by the wayside during grief, so I'm not beating myself up about it, but I'm very happy to be getting things back to civilized. We picked up supplies at Home Depot, yesterday, and today we're deep-cleaning the kitchen, doing some yard work, and doing a solid block of decluttering.
The home improvement project is proceeding slowly but steadily. We have a work day planned on Saturday (Linda and Joe are really awesomely organizing it for my birthday), so we're working on prep for that today (and, really, all this week). The first step has been getting things back to civilized in general, in the house. I hear that it's pretty normal for housekeeping to fall by the wayside during grief, so I'm not beating myself up about it, but I'm very happy to be getting things back to civilized. We picked up supplies at Home Depot, yesterday, and today we're deep-cleaning the kitchen, doing some yard work, and doing a solid block of decluttering.
"Avoidant" = self-care and self-preservation, I think, in this situation. I hope, deep down, you know this is okay...that your friends will not hold your choices and needs against you. And that it is vital and healthy for you to grieve in your own way. Love and hugs. And, oh, a "fry day"? Yum.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I do know it's okay, and thank you, Shirley, it still helps to hear it. <3 I think I'm feeling... introspective but not judgemental about my recent choices. I want to be conscious of the choices I'm making, because these are also habits I've fallen into during episodes of depression, in the past, and I don't know exactly how to tell where appropriate self-care ends and symptoms of depression begin. So I want to make sure to notice the choices I'm making, and to talk about those choices, so other folks know what's going on, you know?
DeleteThe fry day was *excellent*. We wound up sticking with apple fritters and a variety of pakora, and it was really, really good. :)