We were watching Ice Age with Sarah, earlier. It was pretty good -- reasonably entertaining, and except for a bit at the beginning where they kill off (surprise!) the human mother, not too distressing. But give me a break, would it have been so hard to make *one* of the main characters a girl? Were they afraid that being female is such a bizarre and otherworldly quality that it would have tainted or derailed the whole story? Because, I'll tell ya, in my experience you wake up, put your pants on, and go about your life for days at a time without having to sit down in the middle of the street, blinking and scratching your head at the weird and wonder-ful fact of being a Girl. I don't even collapse in hysterics much, these days -- "wait, I'm not a boy? How'm I supposed to leave the house?!" It's certainly nothing to get in the way of, say, taking a long walk in the snow to reunite some kid with his dad.

Now, I can absolutely enjoy movies that are intentionally about a group of guys -- Stand By Me, say, made perfect sense to be about a group of just boys -- because at that age girls really *are* bizarre and otherworldly creatures. Bringing one in would've changed the story. And I don't mind the tendency for individual lead characters to be men, not all that much -- I identify as much with Wolverine as with any female superhero -- the fact that he's a guy in no way makes me feel like I can't access my inner Logan (of course, I also had no trouble playing Prince Charming when we played fairy tales as kids). But in a movie like this, an ensemble movie in which there is *absolutely* no plot-based reason to make them all guys... I've gotta assume it was just because it never even *occurred* to them to make one of the animals a girl. Because girls only exist to interact with the main (male) characters, right? To be mother, girlfriend, temptress, prize... Heaven forbid she should just *exist*, just be living her own story, having her own adventure, not looking to be an accessory, not looking to be anything in relation to him at all...

Ugh.

One of the things I'm choosing to let go of, as we start the long, gentle waning of the year, is perfectionism and the need to control (control outcomes, control people's perceptions, control my own emotions). Of course, as soon as I put this intention out there, I was hit with several opportunities to face the overwhelming waves of embarrassment I feel when I express myself strongly or honestly (in that particular kind of honesty that makes me feel vulnerable or exposed).

I don't know how extroverts do it. How they just stand up and put themselves out there, living outloud where anyone can see, all the time.

Something new to breathe through...

On the other hand, though, I've got my two mothering necklaces (one a gift from Sarah and Joe for mother's day, a few years ago, and the other a reflection of the feminine Divine I chose for myself), reminding me to nurture and mother myself -- and I'm feeling warmed and nurtured just by knowing the reminders are there...

Today: Sleeping late, Sarah splashing joyfully in the pool, laughing with friends, making crowns with a gaggle of princesses, sharing an abundance of food and goodies, driving through the rain, snuggling up in front of The West Wing, and now a show on the Galapagos...

Tomorrow: Playing school, errands, doctor appointment, gardening, therapy appointment... As much as possible, a lazy summer day...

We had Sarah's birthday party, today. I knew it was going to be fairly lowkey, but it turned out to be even moreso than I'd expected -- basically my parents, Joe's mom, and 2 friends of ours from college. In keeping with our new Simplicity theme :), we ordered pizza and made cupcakes-from-a-box (Sarah picked out red velvet cake, of all things -- now with more artificial food coloring!), and just did a lowkey spread of dippables to start with. We made fairies and crowns/tiaras and masks, and played a couple rounds of charades, and generally had a long, exhausting, satisfying day.

We didn't use up nearly as many of the art supplies as I'd expected, so Sarah may be planning *another* fairy tale party in a few weeks, just to do some crafts and have some cupcakes with her friends...

My parents got her some wonderful stuff, including a craft tote full of goodies and a sewing kit with loads of gorgeous fabric, and my MIL got her other wonderful stuff, including _and tango makes three_, which is just adorable. It makes me want to go to the Central Park Zoo. And two of the other books my MIL got her (Harriet the Spy and Secret Agents Four) make me want to curl up on my bed on a Saturday afternoon with a glass of iced tea and a plate of apple slices, and be about 10 years old again!

Joe has tomorrow off, so we're all gonna sleep in, then Sarah and I are going to head out to see friends for a few hours, and then the three of us are going to play with some of Sarah's new board games (she's setting up her Game of Life as I type!). Yesterday we went out the Island to a family baby shower with folks we don't see nearly often enough. We showered the mom-to-be with loads of Burt's Bees baby goodies (my favorite stuff to use on Sarah when she was a little one) and my very favorite Belly Balm from when I was pregnant. It's been a good weekend, but I'm so very glad to have it behind me -- I feel like, finally, I'm now done with the sense of running-in-place I've had since school ended, and can really sink more deeply and truly into relaxation...

I'm finding that digging my way out of the end of the school year is a lot like digging one's way out of depression -- getting back to "normal" isn't the end of the work -- it's just the start of catching up on everything I fell behind on while I was down there... At least a couple times a week I get overwhelmed by how much I still need to do -- outstanding phone calls, email, errands, etc. -- or the memory of something else I flaked on while I was so busy. Everytime I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel through my piles of ToDo lists, something else seems to happen to tip the piles back over into Overwhelmed! And then I have to pull back to a manageable "okay, just get three things done every day, and don't worry about the rest of it righ now" or I'll just hide under the blankets and do *nothing*.

This week, though, I finally feel like I really, sustainably, see the end of playing Catch Up. I can see that, even if other stuff comes up, I will still be able to keep slowly moving forward. It's really good to be able to see an end to the chronic waves of guilt over stuff I've forgotten or flaked on or just never finished. I can see from here what a relief it'll be to get out the other end of this weekend...

Stuff

Caramelized onion soup. Mmm... *sigh* Other things I've tried, the last several weeks: cauliflower soup (reliable and much loved companion that it is), broccoli and garlic soup, moroccan chickpea soup, brownie soup (I thought I'd try it heated but wound up sticking with cold, so it's like a really thick chocolate milk -- very satisfying), roasted sweet potato soup, mashed potato soup, portabella mushroom soup, roasted pepper soup. All good, some more satisfying than others. Overall, though, I'm struggling to remain patient with this process. I'm actually pretty blue about it all, at the moment. I crave a crisp salad sandwich (lettuce, chickpeas, avocado, tomato, cucumbers, olives, drizzled with dressing and stuffed into a roll) or sloppy lentils (again on a roll) with a bright new pickle on the side...

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We've transitioned pretty well into our summer routines, so today I started adding my contemplative practices -- slotting them into pre-existing spaces in our daily rhythms. I'm nowhere near perfect at sticking to my intended routine, but even the little bit I managed today made for much more clarity and peacefulness. It sprinkles my day with breathwork and chi kung exercises in the morning, contemplative prayer later on, lovingkindness meditation during our afternoon Quiet Time, chanting in the kitchen, mindfulness practice tucked in with the most repetitive housework...

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Yesterday I made some snarky comment while we were watching a food network show. Some showbiz person was judging the Shrek cakes, and I found his criticisms insufferable -- snippy, irrelevant, whiny, and generally what I would expect from a self-involved primadonna. I commented that actors shouldn't be allowed to talk. Sarah asked why, and I made additional snarky comments about the guy's emotional maturity/sophistication (or lack thereof) and questioned his ability to think with any degree of nuance.

Today in the car on the way home from getting ice cream (there's a lovely place in Montclair that makes their own, a couple dozen unusual flavors, and we'd grabbed Joe as soon as he walked in the door to take him with us for a belated Afternoon Adventure), out of the blue Sarah said something to the effect of "Mommy, it bothered me when you said that actors shouldn't talk, yesterday, because I plan to be an actor when I grow up." I hope I responded as well as I should have at being called on my snarkiness, but I know I at least managed to say that I'd be more careful in the future, and that absolutely, actors are just as smart and thoughtful as anyone else, and just like anyone else I shouldn't judge them all based on the silly comments of one person. Mostly, though, I was having trouble thinking beyond, "Oh my God! Good for you, Sarah!" I'm... I'm feeling really pretty good that she felt comfortable saying something. Really very good. I said as much, later tonight -- told her that that was exactly the right thing to do if someone says something that makes you uncomfortable -- to speak up clearly and calmly, as soon as you've had a chance to figure out what you want to say (even if some time has passed since the original comment). I could never have done the same thing, at her age. I'm not sure I could do the same thing *now*, if I needed to say it to one of my parents. I'm really very proud of her.